Indecision - 3332020resize

Should I or shouldn’t I? Uncertain about motherhood

My name is Agnes, and I am a 39 year old married woman. When people ask me the questions, “When are you going to have children? You want them, don’t you?” my answer is different every time. Sometimes I answer with a joke, like, “Yeah, I guess I’d better get on with it if I want it to happen!” Sometimes I’ll say something neutral or evasive, like “Maybe” or “Perhaps.” And if someone asks me the question after I’ve spent the afternoon with my three energetic nephews, I’m more likely to say, “No, I don’t think I do.” In reality all of these answers are true to an extent – because I’m really not sure that motherhood is for me. I’m not someone who always dreamed that I’d become a mother. I’m also not someone who completely rejected the idea either and embraced a “child-free life.” It doesn’t help that my husband is on the fence as well. He’s never felt a strong urge to have kids, and says he’d be happy either way. So I guess the decision is down to me.

There are some days when I can imagine having kids, although I’ve never experienced the physical and emotional yearning to have a child – the maternal instinct that so many women talk about. Then there are other days when the prospect of becoming a mother has absolutely no appeal. I think that there’s no way I’d be able to do it. I worry that I don’t want it enough, or that I won’t be a good mother. On those days, I feel completely okay about our life continuing as it is now. We have lots of great friends and family nearby, fabulous and meaningful jobs, and our puppy Jackson is a great outlet for our nurturing.

I’ve never really bought into the idea that ALL women need to become mothers to lead a fulfilled life. I have friends who don’t have children and seem to be completely satisfied with their lives and their decision. But I see that it’s possible to be completely satisfied with the decision to become a parent, too. My sister and my best friend are perfect examples of women who absolutely love being mothers. Having kids was clearly the right decisions for them – but how do I know what’s the right decision for me? Or for us?

Rather than continuing to agonize between “yes” and “no” my husband and I have made the liberating and somewhat terrifying decision to stop using contraception and just see what happens. Given my age, the odds are stacked against us getting pregnant, but we’re leaving it to fate. If we’re meant to be parents, then we’ll get pregnant. If we aren’t, then we won’t – and we’re both okay with that.

Tags:, ,

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>