14th June 2012 | by MFC Team
We’re Not Having Kids, and It’s OK
I’ve never had the urge to have kids, but I always kept it in the back of my mind as a possibility – maybe more because I felt like it was what everybody did and everyone expected me to do. In my 20s I went to college and in my 30s I dated casually. But I never met a guy who made me feel like settling down and having a family. My life was pretty full with travelling, spending time with my family and friends, and biking and playing tennis.
Then I met Conner when I was 39. He is 5 years older and quite established in his career. He comes from a huge extended Italian family with lots of nieces and nephews. Yet he didn’t ever want to have kids. He was hugely relieved to find out that I didn’t have a great urge to have children either.
Now that I’m in my 40s and I’ve found someone who doesn’t want kids, it’s kind of a relief to have the whole “kid thing” off of the table. I love my live with Conner. We have so much in common and he’s a wonderful partner. We have lots of kids in our lives but we aren’t parents, and we aren’t planning to be. I’m okay with that. I feel good about our decision.
The only time it’s hard is when people tell us that we’re going to regret not having kids and that we’re making a mistake because we won’t have anyone to take care of us when we’re older. Sure the future is uncertain, but even if you have kids, there’s no guarantee they’re going to be there for you when you’re old or sick. And we have some really good friends who also are childfree by choice. I imagine we’ll take care of each other when we’re old. As I picture my life in the future, I don’t feel any twinges of regret or “if onlys”. I’m embracing life as a “child-free” woman and taking advantage of every door that is open to me – to us – because of this choice.
I’m happy that you found a partner who also wants to remain child-free. I was nervous about finding a partner who would share the same values as me, but thankfully I did too! It’s such a relief to be on the same page and to have each other for support when people judge our choice.
I’ve chosen not to have kids but sometimes I feel sad about my choice … does that even make sense? Part of me wishes that I had that urge to be a parent so I could just be like everyone else, but I don’t. … don’t get me wrong, I love my life and the freedom that childlessness brings…but it’s not an easy choice, … that’s for sure.
Hi Lexi,
Thank you for your comment. I don’t think it is strange at all to be sad and/or conflicted about not wanting children. I am now 34 and still single. I have never had an overwhelming urge to have children, but I also feel like I could be missing out. I do love children. However, the thought of raising them and dealing with all the potential issues that could arise makes me hesitate.
Unfortunately, I do not have any nieces or nephews; and I am sure that would fill the void a little. For the moment, I try to see my friend’s children as often as possible. I figure that if I change my mind in the future, I could always consider adoption.
I have never wanted to reproduce. I knew at four years old that reproduction wasn’t what I wanted. For me, it was a very easy decision. Reproducing would be a much harder decision. I have never understood the urge that people have to make little thems. I love kids, but I don’t have to make them as an expression of that love. I’d much rather adopt. I do hope that someday I can adopt, but I don’t think I would feel “empty” if I never could.