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Time to Decide -

I’m 35 and my biological clock is ticking loudly…

My name is Ariadne. I had my 35th birthday two weekends ago. My parents threw me a party and invited all of my family and my close friends and their families. It was a pretty special day –gorgeous and sunny, and I was surrounded by all the people who love me. As I was standing on the deck looking out at all of the little kids running around, laughing and getting into mischief, I felt a pang in my heart. I so wanted one of these little kids to be mine, or to have my own little one running around with his or her cousins and friends. I honestly never imagined that I’d be 35 with no prospects of motherhood on the horizon. My family always said that I was the maternal one who would end up having dozens of kids. Funnily enough, it’s my younger sister who was completely not maternal who had my nephews and has given my parents their first grandchildren. It feels horrible to say, but I feel like it’s kind of cruel how that turned out. I love my nephews to bits, but every time I’m with them, I feel my heart wanting to burst with longing for my own baby. I find myself feeling envious of my sister instead of happy for her. I absolutely hate feeling this way!

I want a baby more than anything but given the current realities of my life, I can’t see any way to make that happen. I’ve dated a string of guys who weren’t “father” material, so those relationships eventually ended. There’s a guy I’ve been seeing on and off for the last 3 years, but I don’t see our relationship going anywhere. At this point it seems like we’re just keeping each other company because we’re both lonely. Being honest with myself, there’s no way I’d want to become a parent with him. I’m not sure he could even take care of a goldfish, much less a child. Like Peter Pan, he’s so into his toys, and his fitness, and having fun – it would be like having two children. So having a child with him is definitely out of the question. That leaves me with ending this relationship and trying to find another partner who is “father” material. Even if I got lucky and were able to find such a guy, it would still take a few years to get settled in our relationship before having kids together. By then I’d be pushing 40! I guess the only other choice is to become a single mother. I never pictured myself as a single mom, but then again, I never pictured myself being 35 and childless either.

My birthday weekend has been a turning point for me. I realize that I’m tired of feeling this way. So, instead of feeling sorry for myself, and letting the envy and longing eat me up inside, I’ve decided that I’m going to do something to get myself out of this horrible box. After searching the internet, I’ve found a counsellor who deals with fertility issues and parenthood decision-making. When I called her she sounded really nice – so I’ve booked an appointment for next week. I think it will be good to talk to someone about all of this inner turmoil so that it doesn’t keep swirling around inside of me. She said we can talk about my options too. I’ve also made an appointment with my family doctor for a referral for some fertility testing. Who knows if I am even fertile any more? Although the prospect of bad news is scary for me, I think I’d rather know, and maybe that would help me make a decision. The ache for a baby is still there. I can hear my biological clock ticking as every day passes. But at least now I feel like I’m moving forward, which makes me feel more hopeful than I’ve felt in years.

Share your thoughts on Ariadne’s story in the comments section below, or submit your own fertility story here.

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