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Motherhood: From “never” to “maybe”?

I’m April. I grew up in a small town about 2 hours outside of a large city. For as long as I can remember, I was absolutely sure that I didn’t want to have kids. Throughout my 20s when my friends started having kids I was like, “Not me! That’s never going to be me…” I listened with horror to their stories of midnight feedings, cracked nipples, zero sex drive, and no personal free time. It was like every time we got together and I listened to them, my tubes literally tied into a knot. No way was this was going to be me. I was going to have a career and a life. So I interned as a photography assistant and gradually made a name for myself as a freelance photographer. It was the best of both worlds – I could do what I loved and get paid for it, and play along the way. I travelled and worked in Asia, Europe, Africa, and Central America. Somehow my 20s and 30s sped by and I found myself entering my 40’s with lots of stamps in my passport, photos published across the world, friends in every country, but with an uncertainty about the future. My life up until then had been so fulfilling with my career – my passion – and wherever it took me – but what next?

For the first time in my life I started to entertain the possibility of having a child and becoming a mother. I felt like the cliché – suddenly I began noticing babies everywhere I went – in airports, in the park, and in my dreams too! I started having a sinking feeling that I might have made a mistake in not having kids. I had had lovers over the years, but there was no one I could imagine spending my life with. That meant that if I was even considering having a child, I was going to have to do it on my own. Was I crazy?? My job was flexible, but without a guaranteed salary. Was this the kind of life that a child could fit into? And if I wanted to have a child, could I even get pregnant? I didn’t feel as old as my birth certificate told me I was, but I knew from other friends who tried to get pregnant in their late 30s that it was harder to get pregnant. And I was in my 40s!

That brings me to today – surprisingly I’ve gone from “never” to “maybe”. I’ve only just started researching the process and options, but I think this is something that I might need to do, to at least try, so that I don’t regret it later. Who knows if it will even work. I may not be able to get pregnant. But at least I won’t regret that I didn’t try.

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One Response to “Motherhood: From “never” to “maybe”?”

  1. same dilemma says:

    I can relate to this dilemma. I’m currently in grad school and just completed my clinical internship. I still have my dissertation to complete but I want to have kids now – sooner rather than later – and I’m tired of waiting for the time to be “right” it never seems to be right! My husband is on board. So now all I have to do is throw out the birth control pills – easier said than done! I know that this is going to be a huge change and I’m uncertain of how I’ll be able to juggle it all. But I guess other people have done it so I can do. Time will tell, I guess.

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